43. SNL’s Digital Video, “Natalie Raps”
Hilarious, right? My favorite parts are when she says “I’ll kill your fucking dog for fun” and when she throws chairs (twice!). I also like the change up when she goes into a Cypress Hill style to intone “When I was at Harvard, I smoked weed every day”. For about four delirious minutes, Portman plays it for serious. Everyone knows that comedy is always funnier when it’s played with a straight face. She never tries to get cute which, of course, is what makes it adorable. So excellent. All this is true.
But–all praise aside, the real reason that I’m obsessing about this right now is because I’m trying to grow out my hair. I usually wear it short. I’ve been trying for a chin-length style for about five months. This scruffy, awful, quasi-mulleted period that I’m going through right now is absolutely excruciating. I look in a mirror and this is what I see:
Every time I got my hair cut short before I decided to embark on this grow-out challenge, I took this picture in to my guy, Brian. Natalie is like the patron saint of short hair cuts. She wears it so well I don’t know why she ever bothers to grow it out. This style is what I strive for.
Watching that video, I’m dying to pick up the phone and make the call. I still keep the picture folded up in my day-planner. It’d be so easy. The thing is, I don’t even feel like I’d regret it. I’d probably be so relieved. But, I can’t give up yet. I must wrestle with what is probably just good sense telling me that I look better with short hair and continue down this hideous road until I can’t stomach my own reflection any more.
I need some kind of hair-growing-out coach or motivational speaker or something, because I can’t lie–I don’t know if I can bear this burden alone. I need somebody to tell me ‘hang in there. It’ll all be worth it.’ And things like ‘just try blowing it dry upside down or try a different hair product. You can work with it. I believe in you, Katie’.
The only reason that I’m putting myself through this is, that I’ve worn my hair short for sooo long and I thought I should try a change. Otherwise, don’t I run the risk of being boring? I mean, I’m in my early thirties, if I don’t grow it out a bit now, when will I? When I’m forty? Please, I’m already dealing with the grey hairs I’ve had since I was twelve. I’m bound to be completely silver by the time I hit the big 4-0.
That’s another thing, short hair hides grey hair better. Slap a little pomade on it and it kinda blends in with the rest. Short hair gives me confidence. Look at Short Hair Natalie. She’s full of confidence. You’d NEVER go up to a monkey with long hair! They’d grab it or chew on it or throw their poo in it. Short hair, though? The world’s your oyster. You can approach any animal you want. You blend in easier.
The more I think about it, the more sense me with short hair makes. Am I only growing it because I want to look like one of the uber-trendy girls from The L Word ? Nobody has super-short hair on that show. OK, Jenny did…for like five minutes. But she’s the annoying one that everyone loves to hate. Maybe. Maybe I’m just afraid that I’ll never get a different haircut ever again and I’ll have spent from the age of 27 until the day I die sporting Lesbian Haircut Number 5. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I tell you what–if you’re reading this right now and you have an opinion, let me know. Look at my “About” page. Look at me with the dog and then look at me with the dinosaur. Shorter or longer? What do I do?
I think I’m going to say some prayers to night. I need Natalie’s guidance.