January 18, 2012 · 3:20 pm

The SliceMan Finisheth

Hi World, it’s ILTTAG’s first post of a brand new, fluffy, sweet-smelling year.  Hope the first half of January has been kind to you and yours. On a blog where the whole idea is to look at the little things which make this world a better place to hang out what is good enough to lead with?  Well, it’s early enough in the month of January that resolutions are still a relevant subject matter. Most of us will be at hat point where we are testing out our New Year’s Resolutions, if indeed you were brave or crazy enough to make any.  To be honest…if you’ve still kept yours by the time I’ll likely be done with this post (I’m guessing mid to end of January) then well done, sir or madame! I salute your willpower.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Today’s entry celebrates both my love of pizza, my love of NYC, and the tenacity of a dedicated blogger.

172. Sliceharvester.com  www.sliceharvester.com

The gist is this: a pizza lover and native New Yorker does a top to bottom appraisal of EVERY by-the-slice pizza joint in Manhattan…and the island is lousy with them. If you consider ALL of NYC’s boroughs you actually get past the thousand mark). I only discovered this blog recently because Huffingtonpost reported that he–the author– had finished his gastronomic odyssey.  What a wonderful idea, eh?  Just when you think there is nothing new under the sun, somebody finds a novel approach. And what perseverance! I envy his willpower…and his geographical location. What this blog says to me is that you CAN see things through…you just have to choose more awesome and delicious goals.

Better, more delicious goal-setting

This guy writes in a style which is very more-ish.  He also knows a lot about music…so if you dig on indie rock you’ll probably enjoy reading it on more than one level. I think he’s ALMOST a hipster but he comes across as earnest enough to pass my instantaneous and totally unwarranted judgment.  I mean, I think you can be someone who appreciates kitsch and pop references and mom jokes and still NOT be a hipster douchebag.  Plus, here’s his criticism of someone’s ‘smug’ attitude on a blog he was reading a pizza article from: “I am now 100% certain that whoever is involved with this blog is a total boneroni and needs to get run through a cycle in the douchewasher. I am seriously so pissed.”  So, this guy, who mostly remains anonymous throughout his blogs…but is reported to be Colin Hagendorf…checks out, I reckon. Here’s a big old news article celebrating his reaching of the finish line:  WSJ

I like Mr. Slice Harvester because I can relate. In an early post, he mentions he’s got a band, two jobs (including one where he waits tables at a diner–I was in restaurants for ages!), several side projects AND he was running his blog and printing a zine. Well, shut my mouth next time I gripe about not having enough down time between my day job, my sketch troupe, my stand-up gigs, my wife-being, and my blog-writing to play Arkham City. But, I think an important point to take from his success is also to make your side projects FUN. It’s bad enough working to make a living. But, if you want to exercise your creative impulses too, make sure you’re having a good time.

Immediately, upon starting to read this blog, I had questions.  How does one realistically plan out a task that involves that much chewing and metro-card use, I wondered.  Well, I found that Mr. Harvester started at the northernmost tip of Manhattan and then gradually worked his way down both the east and west sides. Usually, he had one day of the week dedicated to pizza eating.  In fact, he ate 7-9 pieces a day once a week on average.  He also changed up the friends he met every week–which I’m sure helped to keep it interesting and fun. I’m curious about whether or not other foods were consumed that day or if did a sort of Man VS Food style approach of water only…maybe even consumed the day before.

Anyway, back to the SUBJECT contained within the pages of sliceharvester. Pizza.  This isn’t the first time that I’ve written about pizza in this blog.  See here: Pizza Boy and here: Artichoke  I love it. Pizza is always the answer to the question: If you could only ever eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Pizza is delicious, potentially nutritous, the ideal fix for a meal at teenage slumber parties.  It’s just fun!  What other meal gets its own game? (Ok…mabye besides Hamburger Time).  The commercial jingle for this has been in my head all week.

Whilst I am enjoying my daily journey through the backlogs of his blog, it is horribly painful in some ways too.  Each blog post has at least one centerfold of a pic. They are literally mouth-watering these pics..this photographic journalism…this pizza porn.  Even when the review is a bad one, the pictures still look pretty damn good.  Here is a sample. I should mention that this isn’t my pic and is property of sliceharvester.  Speaking of which…a LOT of the pics I swipe to decorate this blog aren’t mine.  I need to sort that out. Do I need to credit photogs or what?  Who  knows this info? What if no credit is listed? Does it matter at all that I make zero cash money from this blog? Help me Google, you’re my only hope.  Anyway, here’s the pictorial equivalent of my own personal longing:

Gah!

I can sympathize with the onus for this quest as I am oft-praising NYC-style pizza and bemoaning the fact that it only seems to exist in NYC.   Though there are some US cities where locally owned pizzerias (non chain) can create a reasonable facsimile to that crispy yet chewy, zesty-saucy, melty-cheesy perfect slice…I have yet to see anything close to resembling the stuff in the UK. I swear, the good people of Manchester must find me to be the most annoyingly patriotic chump.

How shit is this? I live near a take-away that is actually called ‘By the Slice’. By. The. Slice. These humps DO NOT SELL PIZZA BY THE SLICE. They sell terrible terrible terrible whole pizzas…often ordered by the locals with the abomination of tuna and sweet corn as toppings (this is common in England–if you can find it a can, you can dump it on your pizza). Furthermore, they’re  more of a burger shop and fried chicken joint anyway. Sliceharvester has opinions about joints that spread themselves too thin like that.  If you are putting burgers on your menu, you are NOT giving your pizza enough attention. Anything further removed than a calzone at a pizza house is not a good sign.  Anyway, this joint, By The Slice, is a cruel tease.

Recently, I read a glowing review of the place on yelp.com.  The reviewer actually called it the most NYC-like pizza in Manchester.  So, I ordered one.  Here’s what it looked like:

Here it is...

The only thing that reminds me of home about this pizza is the little plastic dollhouse table that they have stuck in the middle of it.

The pizza took over an hour to come–let me remind you, this place is a block away from me–, it was lukewarm, had too much cheese and  not enough sauce, and a spongey moist crust. Heartbreaking.

The only purpose that I can think of for this pizza is if someone had to force feed you something of caloric value because you had so much to drink that you blacked out…they saw that you were barfing even in your black-out state and that you needed something to line your stomach and hence prevent your death. Only then…and if administered in the smallest does possible.

I’m currently reading these blog posts in order and haven’t come across some of my fave shops yet. (I mostly hung out in lower Manhattan when I lived there and I’m only at the Upper East Side part of his journey right now.)  So, I’m hoping we have a mutual appreciation of both Artichoke and Pizza Mercato. I’m curious how much we overlap in what makes a good slice.  We shall see.  At any rate, next time I pay New York a visit, I will hit the travelogue of sliceharvester up again. Maybe I’ll try somewhere new.

In non-pizza related news.  I just HATE HATE HATE people who kick my seat in the movie theatre. I hate it so much I started a FaceBook page. If you don’t like that either–getting kicked repeatedly when you’re trying to watch the latest Pixar film…or chatty morons, or people who leave their phones on…or who smell really bad…or any other level of ill-mannered movie-going behaviour, join up! You are welcome here… https://www.facebook.com/pages/Society-Against-Chair-Kickers-SACK/262865050442950

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December 22, 2011 · 9:47 pm

Catherine The Great

Lordy lordy! Christmas is almost here!  It’s my favorite time of year you know…this and Halloween…and summer for, like, a week.  Threw a Christmas party at my flat earlier in the month…as is the custom.  This year, I decided to treat my Brit-pals to real US-Stylee Christmas cookies.  The English are forever stuffing their jolly and rain-drenched Christmas faces with overburdened pie crusts and doorstopper Christmas cakes…jammed full of crap like orange peel, figs, and brandy soaked raisins.  We get it…you like to eat bags of potpourri.  Your burps must smell like Yankee Candles.  Americans, on the other hand, go for the quick-burning simple sugars and e-colored frosting found in/on most cookies.  The variety can be staggering, but this year, Karey made Amy Sedaris’ recipe for chocolate chips.  (Amy Sedaris–is there anything her influence DOESN’T improve?)  I made two types of spritz cookie–chocolate and almond.

The chocolate dough was most agreeable.  They happily came out the bottom of the press in the shape they were supposed to maintain.

Well behaved cookies!

They were both yummy and pretty.  Success!  The almond spritz, however, had a much softer dough which I couldn’t tame.  As hard as I tried, I just couldn’t get them out of the press in tidy shapes.  It all would just…glob out.  So, instead of baking pretty, almond flavored trees and wreaths, I just squirted out the mucky clumps and baked those.  The dough still TASTED good and it’s a shame to waste all that butter.  So, I just repackaged ‘em as ’grinch poop’ instead of spritz.  I think Sedaris would have approved.

Unruly!

Mercifully, my corn flake wreaths turned out a bit better.  Ah, corn flake wreaths–Americans are experts at re-purposing otherwise healthy foods.  Green bean casserole, creamed corn, pumpkin pie, and merry little corn flake wreaths.  Start with a healthy low fat and vitamin fortified breakfast cereal, add bags of gooey marshmallow, lashings of food dye, and enough melted butter to stop your heart.  Wunderbar!

The only problem is that I couldn’t find any holiday cookie sprinkles (red and green jimmies…or little silver balls…or red hots…or anything).  So, I had to purchase Barbie sprinkles (all I could find, OK?) and separate out the white jimmies from the pink ones and just use those on the wreaths.  So very dedicated to my junk food, I am.

Christmas cookies on one side, it’s ALSO a byproduct of the holiday season that films like Beetlejuice and Home Alone and The Nightmare Before Christmas are broadcast on television.  What do those movies have in common?  Why it’s today’s great thing and national treasure (via Canada)

171. Catherine O’Hara

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/16/CATHERINE_OHARA.jpg/220px-CATHERINE_OHARA.jpg

Actress, Comic, Singer, and Stock Photo Model: Catherine O'Hara

You grow up sort of knowing that she’s good…she pads out the role of ‘Mom’ in a ton of PG films quite nicely and she sings so sweetly as Sally in The Nightmare Before Christmas.  But, it was really in my early twenties…with the advent of the Christopher Guest mockumentaries that I noticed how excellent she is.  I mean–her version of “Midnight at the Oasis” as performed with Fred Willard in Waiting For Guffman will always overrule how I hear the song.  Sorry, Maria Muldaur…but I’m going to need some coffee for that ride.

It goes without saying that she’s a terrific improviser.  She understudied for Gilda Radner at Second City (improv mecca).  She later went on to write and perform sketches for “SCTV”.  But those Christopher Guest films are always a treat.  I’m eagerly awaiting the next.  What a dream it would be to act with that Christopher Guest lot on one of those impro-films.   John Michael Higgins, Jane Lynch, and Michael Hitchcock..they are so good I just know I’d get all sweaty and nervous in their company.  I’d big myself up then try to be all self-deprecating…failing at both…try to insert my most interesting stories into conversations where they obviously didn’t fit.  Probably block every scene with bad improv.  Maybe get tanked and awkwardly perv on Parker Posey.  Oh the ways I could embarrass myself on that set. Michael McKean would tweet something funny about it, I bet…(he has funny Tweets).

O’Hara is a notable comedy hero because, like Tina Fey, she’s an all-star.  She’s a great actress, improviser, AND writer.  And, back in the era when she was on sketch television I reckon it was even harder for women to get their material on air.  Here’s a sketch which she wrote where a game show host has to suffer through idiots.  I reckon you’ll see where that Will Ferrell/Alex Trebek sketch was born.

Here’s something weirdly personal to know (I always like to include something ‘stalker’ level in my blog posts): O’Hara has a condition called Situs Inversus which is apparently where your major visceral organs are in ‘mirror’ or I guess what you’d call a reverse position to how they are normally.  I don’t think it has to be a problem (although there can be issues) …no..no side effects for O’Hara…EXCEPT MAKING HER AWESOME!

Last year, she played Funkhouser’s mentally instable sister on “Curb Your Enthusiasm”.  I like it when funny people that I admire, find and work with other funny people I admire. Someday, I hope Amy Poehler works with Stephen Colbert.  Thanks for making friends, Larry David and Catherine O’Hara.  It makes me all happy.  In my head, you all had a super-fun after party when the shoot was over with pizza and board games and laser tag.  Maybe you still send Christmas cards to each other.

In other holiday-related news, please enjoy this link to some wintery Star Wars Snowflakes.  Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, readers!

For Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen

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October 31, 2011 · 12:48 pm

Best-O-Ween 2011!

It’s not too late to throw out a wee post about some of Halloween’s best offerings this year, is it?

Nah…let’s go for it.

170. Best-O-Ween 2011

Here’s a compilation blog featuring some of the best Halloween-related stuff that I have seen this year.

If you read this blog regularly you know that I love me some Halloween.  I had complained a year or two ago that the UK simply didn’t do it up large like the Americans do.  But, I think that’s changing.  Maybe businesses finally see how easy it is to cash in on Halloween-related crap, theme nights at bars, fancy dress parties, etc…

I have to say, one of the best thing about Kraft Foods (an American company) taking over Cadbury’s has to be that we now have THESE fine foodstuffs:

Americans! Bringing you chocolate covered gore! Hooray!

Really, England, I don’t know what you were kicking up such a fuss about.  When the takeover happened everyone was all worried that the quality of the chocolate would suffer…traditions would crumble…we’d shit it all up with our tackiness.  Obviously you were wrong.  We just added some awesome.  You’re welcome, Britain.

Ok, so what else is worthy of our attention this year?  The doggy dress up competition in NYC is always worth a chuckle.  Here’s the link to some of the best:

Dogs in NYC

Nothing tops that bulldog, for me.

Well…maybe THIS Staffy does.  I lifted this from Pedestrian TV. (All credit due)

You won't like me when I'm growly.

 

In the human costume category, I have to give it up to my cousin, Emily Heinrich.  When I was a kid, I was spoilt by a mother who made costumes herself–amazing constructions.  With the help of patterns from JoAnn Fabrics, I was often the best-dressed kid on my street.  My Mom must’ve lost her nut the year I chose the ‘elephant’ pattern.  It was pretty complicated.  She did a great job with those ears and tusks and trunk though.  Love you, Mom.  Emily is carrying on that tradition…perhaps even a bit further…as her creations don’t look like you could even buy a pattern for them.  Check out how she dressed her boys this year:

Emily Heinrich is crafty

World War II Ace! Sopwith Camel!

 

The Loony Toons monster AND Snoopy’s Red Baron-chasing Sopwith Camel?  That’s just ace, Em.  Well done.

Speaking of crafty people, here’s a little gem that someone forwarded me…allow me to give it a proper introduction:

“Hey lady…looking to throw a kicking Halloween bash this year but CAN’T afford fancy store-bought decorations?  Well, look no further than your bathroom cupboard.  As long as you’re still menstruating, you’ll never be without the potential to terrorize folks!  Check out our new tampon ghost project!

 

Hee Hee--ewwwwww

Don’t like wearing tampons?  I’m pretty sure you could do something similar with this.  It has wings which could resemble ghostly arms!

Boo!

 

If you can’t get enough of making things out of tampons, you’re in luck.  Here’s a web-site devoted to the art.  Thanks internet!  tamponcrafts

Let’s close out this Halloween love fest with a modern classic, shall we?  Werewolf Barmitzvah, anyone?

See you in November!!!!

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September 12, 2011 · 3:58 pm

Baby Shambles

So, today’s great thing has already had over 4 million hits on YouTube.  So, there is a chance that you may already be familiar with this little delight.  It’s the funniest thing I’ve seen all week:

169.  Baby Trashes Bar in Las Palmas

Before we begin our dialogue, let’s watch it shall we?  It’s about a baby trashing a bar in the Spanish resort town of Las Palmas–a destination frequented by many British and other European tourists.  The writer/producer/director of this short is Swedish filmmaker Johannes Nyquist.  There are puppets and a baby involved.

Pretty funny, yes?  I am a sucker for stuff like this.  What shall we label this genre of comedy?  I’m thinking that it’s about something real invading the land of the puppet/toy or vice versa–where the puppet or toy enters reality.  Examples that spring to mind include the killer cat scene in Team America, the real-world scene in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, and perhaps the interviews of Triumph the insult comic on Conan O’Brien.  Is there already a name for this sort of thing–the collision of the manufactured with the ‘real’?

Does this picture freak you out too? Let this be a lesson to you...don't use Google Image to search for pics of 'real life Sponge Bob'. Thanks for the nightmares, internet.

It goes beyond the humanization of objects/animals.  It’s more than just anthropomorphizing something.  It puts that anthropomorphized thing(s) into a more interesting situation.  What can we call it?  Puppet relocation program? Figures Action? G.I.Go? These are all terrible suggestions.  Please think of something good, dear readers.

Anyway, back to today’s winner, “Baby Trashes Bar in Las Palmas”.  How come it’s so funny?  Without getting too cerebral about it, I think it is so successfully ridiculous because it so wonderfully mirrors real life.  Babies, like drunk people, have very little self-awareness and are primarily concerned with their own happiness and pleasure.  There’s just something uncanny in the way that kid swirls/smells that wine glass and the overturns it on the table…the way she steals food…the way she falls into the table.  In this tow-headed child, we see our own tanked, blitzed, and rat-arsed selves.

Already a hit, the video has already been blogged about and dissected on other better known websites.  As the more culturally sensitive amongst you may have already predicted, some people out there think it’s inappropriate to put a baby in a bra and make her drink juice disguised as beer.  My very own girlfriend was sort of uneasy until I talked sense into her/cruelly mocked her  This columnist asks if the video has gone too far.  Read Here

Well, does it?  Should I be ashamed to find this video so wonderful?  I don’t think so.  I don’t think that what is happening here equates to any sort of abuse.  I do think that there ARE times when we should be more protective of our kids and there are times in the entertainment biz when it’s clear that something is exploitative.  But, I think there’s a difference between what happens in Toddlers and Tiaras, for instance, and what’s going on here.  This isn’t some sad sack Mom dressing her kid up like a prostitute and parading her around just to feel better about herself.  This is a genius bit of comedy/commentary about adults.  I also don’t think there should be a worry about the child and any unwanted exposure.  No one in the world is going to be able to recognize that kid in two years–as they grow they look so different year to year.  No, I don’t have kids, but I’ve seen it happen.  I barely recognize the photos of my adorable nieces that my sister sends.  By the time she’s 3, she’ll have a completely different facial structure.  By the time she’s 10, she’s only going to be famous for this video if she WANTS to be…if she identifies herself and takes credit for it.  This is also why I don’t think Adam McKay’s done a disservice to his daughter for the Funny or Die ‘Pearl’ videos (“The Landlord” and “Good Cop, Baby Cop”–watch them if you haven’t already!).  Who in the world, besides the Family McKay, is going to know what Pearl McKay looks like now that those videos are a few years old?

Anyway, I–for one–am eagerly anticipating the release of the FULL “Baby Trashes Bar…” video (this, apparently, is only a portion).  Here are some promising stills from the continuing saga!

OK, that last pic isn’t from the short.  I found it on Google/Tumblr.  Pretty rad though, yes?  I typed in ‘unicorn awesome’ and this is what turned up.  I forgive you for the real life Patrick the Starfish picture now, internet.

If you, like me, have too much time on your hands and are excited for the full ‘short’ to debut on the internet, go to the creator’s FaceBook page.  That name again is Johannes Nyquist.  ‘Like’ the page and you should get updates when it comes out.

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August 30, 2011 · 4:11 pm

Dance My Doormat Blues Away

And we’re back!  Edinburgh was fun, thanks.  Will probably do a blog-recap  of it shortly.  Anyway, back to the day-to-day stuff.  It was a bank holiday weekend here in the UK (hooray) and I had a really good one.  Went to gig in Newcastle on Friday.  Though it’s a long way to go for an unpaid spot (about a 3.5 hour drive), the gig itself was absolutely lovely and the three of us who went from Manchester had a warm glow of happiness on the drive home.  Then on Saturday, had a good sleep in and spent the rest of the day eating nice food, reading a book, and playing PS3–that is living the dream.  On Sunday, we went out to grab lunch with a friend and had a couple of beverages.  Then yesterday (Monday), Karey spent almost the whole day in the kitchen churning out treats both sweet and savoury–whilst I tidied up the place a bit and continued on with my idyllic weekend of reading, eating, and gaming.

Now it’s Tuesday–here at work for a four-day work week  (the lovely after effect of a three-day weekend).  Started the day with a bit of a bump though and although it’s a minor nuisance, I’m really in a funk about it and can’t shake the feeling.  You see, we’ve only been in this new flat for a couple of months now and we’re still trying to settle in/get to know the building/say howdy to the neighbors and all that.  We’ve been buying bits of furniture and decor along the way as we can afford them–trying to make the place feel a bit more ‘us’.  That mostly means me throwing comics and candy bar wrappers about the place and Karey not putting her shoes away and lighting far too many candles.  But, we did get one nifty little item to throw into the hallway outside the door to our place.  Check out this adorable doormat.

We hardly new ye.

We put that sweet little number in the hallway and for a good week  it brought  smiles to our faces as we stepped into the flat.  ‘Bonjour!’, we’d say in response to the confident poodle.

Anyway, a week’s worth of happiness is all we got from it…because some nasty pice of work has stolen it!  To make matters worse, the store is out of stock and the line is cancelled.  Can’t even get a replacement.  Plus, it has the bonus negative effect of making me distrustful of our neighbors.  It seems like such a nice building too!  Not sure who is guilty.  To be sure, I’m going to smear boogers on EVERYONE’S door.  It’s my only solace.  We can’t have anything nice…Even though I’m feeling a bit burnt and negative about this brazen theft, I’m going to try to focus on the positive.  Let’s do a great thing blog!

So, without further adieu, here’s today’s great thing:

168.  Janelle Monae’s “Tightrope” video

Let’s watch it!

Why do I like this video so much? You’ve seen it–it should be clear.   But just in case you don’t dig on the same things I do, here’s why:

1.  Super dancing!  I like the fancy smooth footwork of Monae and her asylum inmate friends.  This is also why I liked the video for “Single Ladies” when it first came out, because the choreography seemed so new and brilliant.  It wasn’t five boy-banders just throwing shapes in synch.  It was specific to the act and a pleasure to watch.  I love  the black and white of their saddle shoes flashing in front of my eyes.

2.  It has a sort of story-line element.  Far too few videos bother trying to craft any sort of narrative nowadays.  Though it’s not crystal clear what is happening here, you can at least see that Janelle Monae and her friends are trying to boogie their way out of an anti-dancing sort of insane asylum.  Apparently, the director, Wendy Morgan–who has directed for Bloc Party and Gnarls Barkley as well, references Maya Deren’s Meshes of the Afternoon, an experimental film from the 40′s which I can’t say I’m familiar with.  It’s where she got the idea for the mirror-faced dementors.  Highbrow!  Meshes of the Afternoon

3.  Tuxedos.  I like ‘em.  I used to be a cater waiter and maybe if we were all better dancers, this is what our breaks at work would have looked like. Alas, at those intervals we were mostly text messaging people, making fun of party guests, or stealing food and not staging super-jive jamborees.

4.  Originality.  I love that a pop star is using a creative edge instead of a tight top to get attention.  Class act!  I like it when people who could likely just coast on their voice and slick production actually wind up bringing something new to the table.

I don’t have the whole album, but I have picked up a few tracks from iTunes and I like what I hear so far.  Janelle Monae was born in 1985.  1985!!!!  There are grown ups around who were born in 1985!!!   She’s from Kansas City.  This helps in establishing her cool credentials.  It’s good to be from a place with a mythos around it–like Kansas City, New Orleans, or Cool World.  She then studied in NYC with an original goal of heading to broadway, which goes to explain her theatricality.

Another reason to anticipate further magical awesomeness from Monae?  Check out this info from io9.com:

Monáe has stated that she has an alter-ego named Cindi Mayweather who according to Monáe is from the year 2719.[22] In her first EP she gave her alter-ego a back-story stating that she is on the run after breaking the law in her home town of Metropolis after falling in love with a human named Anthony Greendown. Monáe explained about Cindi, saying “The Archandroid, Cindi, is the mediator, between the mind and the hand. She’s the mediator between the haves and the have-nots, the oppressed and the oppressor. She’s like the Archangel in the Bible, and what Neo represents to the Matrix  io9.com

 

The world needs more robots with cool hair! Fact!

I bet she’s kick-ass in concert.  I will only go out to live concerts and risk standing around and being moshed up against for special artists.  She will qualify to be on that list.  Do you hear that Janelle Monae?  Now, come to Manchester please.

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August 3, 2011 · 2:49 pm

And Now, A Personal Message…

Hello blog-reader.  I’m taking a quick break from the regularly scheduled list of great things to plug the show I’m doing in Edinburgh.

You may or may not know that I pursue stand-up comedy.  I work a lovely and forgiving day job full of nice people and kind policies like flexi-time and good vacation packages.  But, by night, I do stand-up as often as I can.  What you may not know is that  I am ALSO a writer and performer in a Manchester-based sketch troupe called The Tourists.  We’ve done some shows and festivals locally, but we’re really:

a. excited

b. scared

c. humbled

d. chewy

to be part of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe this year.  (The cool kids call it ‘The Fringe’).  It is the biggest arts festival in the world. That’s right, smooch, pow, click, THE WORLD!

The guy on the left knows what I'm talking about...

Here are some stats that I lifted straight off of Wikipedia:

The Fringe 2009 sold 1,859,235 tickets[3] for 34,265 performances of 2,098 shows in 265 venues, over 25 days,[2] for an average of over 74,000 admissions and 1,300 performances per day. There were an estimated 18,901 performers, from 60 countries.

Born in 1946, you’d  think that this annual influx of traffic would make this tidy and historic city of Edinburgh feel overly congested…and it does clog things up a bit…but it never quite feels as bad as Times Square at rush hour.

Bonny!

The festival showcases just about every art form that you can think of…from Shakespeare companies to flamenco dancers to rock bands but it is of mega import to the comedy world–especially if you’re looking to beef up your comedy resume in the UK.  It’s the goal of just about every UK comic to have a well-reviewed solo show in the Fringe Festival at least once in their lifetime if not a semi-annual pilgrimage with new material every few years or so.

Last year, I went for up for a weekend to merely view some shows as a tourist (the name of my sketch group!  coincidence…spooooooky), as I have every year since I arrived in the UK, and I managed to pick up about three 10 minute spots.  This is possible because there are SOOO many comedy shows going on every day that the comedy world needs the equivalent of a ‘supply teacher’ sort of agency to fill in for comics who have cancelled spots with late notice.

I shall definitely be pursuing more of the same this year.  I’m hoping to exercise my set quite regularly for the duration.  But the primary reason for travelling up this year is actually because of the aforementioned sketch show.  Details can be found here:

http://thetouristscomedy.com/

I’ll also be updating that sketch company blog with quickie reviews of shows I’ve seen and notices of when I’m lucky enough to snag some stand-up gigs.

There’s a ton I want to see this year.  Some big US comics are always over for the fest.  Can’t wait to see Hannibal Buress’s solo show.  I saw him last year at the Glasgow fest and he was great.  He writes for 30 Rock nowadays.  Also want to see Lee Camp–a terrific comic outright but he also writes killer political material.  A couple of terrific British sketch groups are on the go…Lady Garden, Wit Tank, Him & Me, etc…  Between picking up scrap of gigs, doing the daily show with the sketch group, and watching shows I hope to be a very busy bee.

Anyway come and see us, The Tourists, if you’re planning on a wonderful journey to the town that best resembles Diagon Alley.

Come for the culture, stay for the fried Mars Bars.

Part of a complete breakfast.

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July 19, 2011 · 2:01 pm

The Circle Jerk of Life

As a person who is fond of animals–at one point in my life I even wanted to be a veterinarian–I have, in the past, made the common folly of underestimating them.  People who love animals will frequently assume that all animals do all the live-long day is lie around being all cute– rousing themselves occasionally to perform super-awesome acts of beastliness–like jumping high or running fast or swimming real good.  Humans are great at anthropomorphizing things.  We’ll put a human face/emotions/intentions on ANYTHING!  We’ll turn a choo-choo train into a beloved storybook character.  How much easier is it to do that if the object of our fantasy actually HAS a face and a heartbeat?  It’s understandable to think that animals are nothing but perfect, is all I’m saying.  We see how flawed WE can be and think that simpler life forms are more pure/good.  If you are an animal lover, you might think, for instance, that if you were to fall overboard in the ocean that there is a healthy chance that you would be saved by a friendly pod of dolphins– or that if you were stranded in the woods as an infant you might have been adopted and raised by a wolf pack–or that your pet snake is happy just eating those pre-dead mice you feed it and NOT hankering after your pet chihuahua.  What lovely fantasies we conjure.

Doesn't want to raise you...Only interested in you if you have snacks.

But the truth of the matter is, like everything in the world, animals have the capacity to be dicks.  I’ve known this heart-breaking truth for a while, I suppose.  But I was just reminded of it when I was watching a documentary.  I’m pretty sure it was a David Attenborough one.  Life, I think (which, in The States–for some bizarre reason–was narrated by Oprah Winfrey instead of Attenborough).  It detailed a bunch of killer whales chasing down a humpback whale and its calf.  The killer whales chased them so long and so hard that they eventually wore the mighty humpbacks down and ate the baby whilst the mother could do nothing in defense.  They ate only the tongue of the humpback calf and let the rest of its giant body slump to the sea floor where it would decay–a feast for the sea parasites.

It was sort of terrible to witness.  But the point is–maybe animals are more like people than we thought!  They’re mean when they want to be, heartless, wasteful, and prone to gang violence.

They even play class warfare.  There are caste systems in nature!  Check out these snow monkeys acting like mega-douches…just awful:

Snow Monkeys Are Terrible People!

The thought of animals being immoral with each other doesn’t always have to be bleak and depressing, however.  Sometimes it can be hilarious!  That’s why I’ve chosen a terrific website as today’s great thing:

167. Animals Being Dicks (the website)

animalsbeingdicks.com  Go on…click it!!!!

The website is a collection of ‘gifs’ (compressed video files?  Tech nerds?  A little help?) which illustrate real life examples of animals acting like jerks.  Whether you’re in the market for a parrot pushing a turtle off a high ledge, a dog farting directly in another dog’s face, or a cat using a Roomba as a mobile attack vehicle, this is your one stop shop for animals being complete jagoffs.

What a great idea for a web page.  You just know there’s a treasure trove of these clips out there.  I check in just about every day and there’s always a new entry up if not two…I’m just surprised nobody thought of it sooner.  Animals have been dicks forever!

Check out these historic examples:

Shithead the dog...falsely announced fires.

A llama spit on me once. For real. What a d-bag. I wasn't even DOING anything.

OK...this guy actually might have it coming.

It just takes a leader…someone to organize this stuff for us really, doesn’t it.  So, thanks go out, in this case to one John Williams.  Here is his home page.  Johnlovesyou.com  Thanks for doing this, John!  Your country needed you and you stepped up to the plate.

Meanwhile, perhaps this should serve as a reminder to all of humanity that we are not alone in this world.  We are all connected with our fellow living creatures and even the elements.  For there is nothing under the sun that is NOT a dick.  Whether it be:

The Wind: I am STORM! MISTRESS OF THE ELEMENTS! AND I'M GOING TO EFF UP YOUR HAIRDO!

The Wind!:  I really do hate the wind sometimes.  Unless you’re flying a kite or need an airborne seed swept away somewhere, what is it good for?  It’s all in your face…making it harder to walk…blowing crap into your eyeballs and totally destroying that meticulous hairstyle you were trying to work.

The Sea: Hey, I built this city for yo--oh crap. Thanks a lot, Poseidon!

The Sea!:  The ocean has swallowed so many of our fine towns and eaten so many of our boats and sailors.  Yet that is never enough.  It continues to erode our shores and thanks to global warming we will probably all be under it one day soon.  I better learn how to use a fork as a comb, ala Little Mermaid.

And Beyond!: Look at this...even intelligent life from the outer stretches of the universe disappoints. Yeah, thanks for the wang graffiti. Buncha interstellar jerkoffs.

And Beyond!:  You think you can escape earth’s gravitational pull (gravity is also a jerk) and find some utopia where there are no bellends?  You are wrong.  Real aliens don’t want to come down here and make our old people happy like the ones in Cocoon.  No, they just want to do flybys and draw penises in our lawn.

It’s one of the great truths in this world.  Everyone/thing is a dick.  Or…at least has the capacity to BE a dick.  It’s learning the coping mechanisms that helps you get by in this life–schadenfreude is a great coping mechanism as animalsbeingdics.com proves…  And hat ownership…that helps too…when the wind blows…

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