December 15, 2009

A Christmas Cracker

One of the most quintessentially British Christmas traditions of our modern times MUST be the race to the top of the British pop charts that comes every December.   Mostly, the songs that peak at Christmas nowadays are the singles from the winner of Britain’s singing reality competition “The X Factor”.  They time the program so that they crown their winner and that said winner has a single out just before Christmas.  It’s typically a shoe-in.  X-Factor champions have taken that spot for four years running.  Simon Cowell…you evil evil genius.  But, it used to be that bands/singers would actually write a Christmas-themed or at least Christmas-y song to put forward for contention–things like Slade’s “Merry Xmas Everybody” and that Band-Aid track where Bono is thankful that he’s not a poor person.

We don’t quite have the same thing in America.  (Does any country but Britain do this?  Let me know.)  The closest thing I could think of was when MTV had their New Year’s Eve countdown and I used to wait up until midnight to see what the number one video of the year was.  I drank many a good bottle of sparkling grape juice in those carefree days…

This is all jolly good fun, but in my opinion–Britain’s greatest crime against Christmas was to deny today’s great thing, the number one slot:

111.  The Waitresses “Christmas Wrapping”

This song–though it received loads of radio play in the UK–only ever made it to number 41 in the charts.  Robbery!!!

To add insult to injury, you know who HAS had a Christmas number one?  Mr. Blobby!  Mr. Blobby sounds like some pervert’s name for his junk!

http://www.independent.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00123/IN7129378Noels-Hous_123963s.jpg

British people love novelty songs...and apparently hate justice.

At the very least, “Christmas Wrapping” is much better than Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s “Power of Love” which ALMOST made it as the Christmas number one before Band-Aid kicked the shit out of it.  That stuff is dire.

Though it never took the top Christmas prize, the song WAS hugely popular in the UK as it was in The States.  “Christmas Wrapping” definitely holds a place in my top ten Christmas tunes (the list includes parochial and secular tracks).  I like the song because it’s a catchy new-wave ode to my favorite holiday and because it does something that is exceedingly rare in today’s world of poetic lyric writing, it tells a simple story.

It’s the story of a young girl who just can’t be bothered with any Christmas celebrating one year…utterly defeated by the pace and  hubbub of it all, she resigns herself to eating the world’s smallest turkey dinner for one.  That is, until she runs into some dude she’s had the hots on for all year.  Then it’s all jingle bells this and mistletoe that–Christmas magic in action.

Horniness is the true meaning of Christmas, apparently.  Yay 80’s!

Link to the full lyrics here:  Christmas Wrapping

Chris Butler, of the Waitresses, wrote the song after being pressured by his label to make a contribution to a Christmas album.  They never in a million years thought that this would be their defining track.  More about the Murphy’s Law-type origins of this tune to be found here…very interesting:  Futurefossilmusic

A video was never produced for this track.  It was released in 1981–just before labels started marketing every single release with an accompanying video.  So, in lieu of what coulda woulda shoulda been a great 80’s era MTV video hit, here is someone’s Christmas lights synched up to the song.  Dy-no-mite!

Now, for my money, I’ll stick with the original.  Nothing beats that new-wave beat combined with Patty Donahue’s sexily disinterested alto which manages to make a clean sweep through the verbose song.  The temptation to remake this hit has proved too strong for tons of musical outfits.  The Spice Girls have done a version, as have Miranda Cosgrove, Save Ferris, Kate Nash, amongst many others who might chance throwing it into their set list around Christmastime.

Fans of Scottish pop-punk band Bis (at this video’s point in time, known as data Panik) might enjoy this ebullient cover.  Manda Rin gets bonus points for being cute as a button.  You can find it here on this blog:   Moviezzz

The other cover that I give my meaningless and unofficial green light to is the one that I was lucky enough to see the other day.  I went down to London to catch the Wainwright/McGariggle and Friends Christmas show.  (It was actually billed as ‘Not So Silent Night’.)  I’m a huge Rufus and Martha Wainwright fan but I have to say, that overall, the show was a bit of a downer.  They (not only the Wainwright and McGarrigle clan, but also guest artists like Boy George and Guy Garvey from Elbow) chose mostly sombre material and some obscure Christmas folk tunes.  Martha’s cover was a definite highlight and a brief, joyous, dose of mercy in an otherwise melancholy concert.

Plus, I’m loving the red shoes and feather boa.

Sadly, The Waitresses disbanded after putting out only 2 albums.  Lead singer Patty Donahue died at the age of 40 from lung cancer.  But, whether they intended to or not, they made a definite early 80’s Christmas record.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3102/2526400499_cf5ea69890.jpg

The Waitresses

The grumpy little tale with a sweetly romantic ending and a killer saxophone break will forever be on my Christmas playlists.

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December 9, 2009

Salty Little Question Marks

Whilst I’m blogged about sea creatures before, marvelling at the mammoth blue whales and fantastical Narwhals, I have to admit–there are lots of things that live in the sea gross me out.  (It’s one of the main reasons that I shy away from seafood…well, that and the disgusting taste…).  For instance, look at this monkfish:

http://www.stripersonline.com/surftalk/attachment.php?attachmentid=266941&stc=1&d=1249765172

I'm a goddam delicacy...

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!  Come on!  I don’t care how much that fish would fetch you at market.  It’s not worth it.  Throw it back!!!  Before it throws YOU back.  That’s just one example of finned fugliness.  Check out the blobfish.

http://weirdimals.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/blobfish.jpg?w=431&h=264

Yes, I'm for real.

It looks like Ziggy!  Even seaweed can look pretty skeevy in the wrong light.  Mercifully, the underwater world isn’t ALL hideous beasts and unappealing foliage.  There’s some cute sh!t down there too.  Today’s great thing, for instance…

http://s3.amazonaws.com/readers/2008/09/20/seahorse_1.jpg

Whiiiinnnnnyyyblurbblubblurb....

110:  Seahorses

Awwww, seahorses.  They can turn colors to match their environment you know, just like chameleons.  And, like some reptiles, they can move their eyes independently of each other.  Neat-o!  Mostly, seahorses are found in tropical waters but there have been herds found in waters as northern as the Thames Estuary (the Queen’s private sea-stables me-thinks!)

http://www.zaldiva.com/images/ACTION%20FIGURES/SEAMONKEYS/seamonkeys_all_pic1.jpg

The British royal family at play...

The mating habits of seahorses really ratchets the cute factor up enormously.  For the most part, seahorses are monogamous (pretty rare for a fish–which it is).  When seahorses find a suitable mate, they perform an elaborate dance, circling around each other and making musical clicking noises.  Interloping seahorses might try to cut in, but if the match is already made, the couple stays focussed on each other.  Eventually, the female will deposit her eggs into the male’s belly pouch.  If you watch this, it’s pretty cool to see one seahorse shrink whilst the other grown instantly fatter.  This is the only instance in nature where the male of the species carries and gives birth to the young.  So cool.  Female seahorses must be pretty hot to command that kind of whipped behavior.  Hats off to you, seafillies!  In fact, the female totally wears the pants in this relationship.  She  scoots off every day– to god-knows-where…much further away from the home territory than the male ever will– for a period of time but always returns by morning to perform yet another brief dance for the pregnant dadfish.  Gotta keep ‘em interested, right?  Am I right?!  She works hard for the money…doot doot doot doot…so hard for ya honey doot doot doot doot…she works hard for the money so you better treat her right.  Weirdly, seahorses will typically mate under a full moon.  They also frequently swim in couples by linking their prehensile tails together.  They are die-hard romantics.

Incidentally, baby seahorses are called ‘fry’.

Though there are many different species of seahorse, most are about as big as a teacup.  Primarily, they take up residence in reefs and areas where there are lots of leafy plants.  They aren’t terrific swimmers so it’s a necessity for them to avoid vast spaces of purely open sea.  If they get caught in a current they can die of exhaustion trying to swim back to home base.  They’ll often use their tails to secure their position by anchoring themselves to plants, rocks, and other stationary objects…like little helium-filled party balloons.   Though they’re not strong swimmers, they can maneuver around a bit with the flippers on their back (dorsal fins).  These fins can beat nearly as fast as hummingbird wings.  The pectoral ones near their eyes are utilized more for steering.  But, because of their upright design and small fin size, they just don’t have those streamlined skills that you see so often in other fish like salmon and are poorly suited for swimming at any great length or distance.

As mentioned earlier, these critters, though they don’t look it, are a type of fish.  More specifically, they are part of the pipefish family.  Here’s a pipefish:

http://www.bonairediveandadventure.com/images/0708-Harlequin-Pipefish-l.jpg

Pipefish...

They are also related to the even more mythical sounding seadragons…both ‘leafy’:

http://leadcreatively.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/seadragon.jpg?w=450&h=300

leafy seadragon

…And ‘weedy’ varieties:

http://driftline.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/weedy20sea20dragon20002.jpg?w=480&h=320

weedy seadragon

You’ll notice that they all have long snouts–sort of like land horses.  They graze almost constantly like real horses too.  They don’t have teeth, per se, or even a stomach, but they are perpetually hoovering up plankton, brine shrimp and other prey small enough to fit through their little cocktail straw faces.  They eat like real fatties.  Their near constant consumption of food is a solution to the whole ‘not having a stomach’ issue.  Food pretty much passes straight through the seahorses which is another reason that they hover around their territories so much.  They wouldn’t want to get caught in an unknown area where scavenging for eats would be difficult.  This is a completely different reason to why I eat like a fatty.

http://spiltmilkncookies.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/screens_feature-39140.jpeg

Uncle Rico loves....

http://www2.mpsaz.org/kerr/academics/5th_grade/images/seahorse.jpg

...seahorses

A seahorses coronet is as distinctive and unique as our fingerprints.   This is great news for the Fish Police (ten points if you remember that cartoon).

It’s time to admit that a previously unacknowledged part of me just wants to live under the sea with the seahorses and ride one around like Princess Ariel from The Little Mermaid.  Sigh, my secret girlishness embarrasses us all.

Although reading about seahorses has totally made me want to run out, buy a tank and purchase dozens of these critters so that I can watch them hold tails, dance around, and hoover up their food with their pointy faces, I will resist.  Apparently, they don’t fare particularly well in captivity and the trade of seahorses, which are also used heavily in Chinese medicines, has severely impacted their numbers in the wild.  It would totally suck to watch these supercute animals die in a tank just because I had to have one.

Seahorses that are bred in captivity have better survival rates in tanks than those that aren’t…but if you’re purchasing them from a shop, there’s no way for you to tell.  So for now, no seahorses for me.

Anyway, who’s got time to maintain a fish tank?  I don’t even have a DOG yet.  Priorities…

To close, here’s a video I found about these delightful varmints.  It’s ten minutes long and it goes more into the conservation efforts than anything, but it’s got some cool footage of the mating rituals and of their crazy eyes moving independently about as well.

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November 30, 2009

Guess Who’s Coming To Guest Vocal?

I was walking to work the other day listening to my iPod when a recent purchase came on– “Ready for The Weekend” by Calvin Harris.  It’s a decent little party anthem but it really gets a much-needed kick from the guest vocalist–Mary Pearce (a British singer who has worked with powerhouses like Chaka Khan and Lionel Richie previously.)
This familiar and dancey delight led me to realize that it’s a common trick really…a very good trick…and today’s great thing:

109.  Nerdy white dance musicians employing black female vocalists to make their songs better

Here, let me show you what I mean.

It’s a pretty good song already.  Calvin Harris is a clever little Scottish dance music maestro.  He’s recently written some ace tracks for Kylie Minogue and Dizzee Rascal.  You’re happily toe-tapping along to this ditty…but once Mary Pearce’s vocals come in?  Zoom!  So much better…

Another good example of this music-boosting technique is Basement Jaxx’s “Good Luck”.    Felix and Simon of Basement Jaxx have pretty much mastered this technique as a matter of fact.  When considering their catalogue of dance classics, you’re really spoiled for choice if you’re looking for strong black female vocals.  You could go with “Red Alert” or “Right Here’s The Spot” or certainly “Oh My Gosh”,  but, Lisa Kekaula’s vocals on “Good Luck” are spine-tinglingly good.

Perhaps no conversation about dance hit vocals could be complete without discussing C + C Music Factory’s  “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)”.  It’s, sadly, not unusual for music video directors to cast lip-synching hotties in place of the actual vocalists for the video shoot.  But, one infamous case of this was when Zelma Davis lipsynched to Martha Walsh’s vocals on C + C Music Factory’s hit.  There was no need for this trickery really and the group only admitted the truth of who the vocals in this terrific track belonged to after it leaked to the press.  (Though to be fair, Davis WAS indeed one of several vocalists that C + C Music Factory employed, just not the one that sang the following vocals.)

Thinking on this, we really do put unreal expectations on folks.  I mean, sure, it would be great if we all had exactly the same measures of talent and were all exactly the same level of smoking hot-it-tude, but Botox and college are expensive.

I feel like Moby should be included in this little compilation except for the fact that I can’t think of a song of his with female vocals.  I feel like all the music he’s co-opted into his electronica is from black males…cool old blues tunes and spirituals, etc…

So, swim on White Whale.  Whilst you certainly qualify as a white nerd, you have escaped my clutches for now.

http://www.celebritysmackblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/moby-222.jpg

I didn't make the cut?

Three quickies to close out the proceedings here.

Shapeshifters’ “Lola’s Theme”, which features a gospel singer from the UK called Cookie (yay).

Junior Jack’s “Stupid disco”  IS basically the Pointer Sisters track “Dare Me” set to different beats:

Armand Van Helden’s “My My My”…to be fair, Van Helden not so white and geeky.  It is a good excuse for me to watch this video, however.

Any more for any more?

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November 24, 2009

Natalie Squeeeee!

So, recently, I don’t even really remember where or how, I came across a Natalie Dee cartoon.  It was this:

http://images.tribe.net/tribe/upload/photo/16c/5ec/16c5ec1a-3c9b-4840-8935-242692e32437

Where it all began.

Hilarious, yes! I love Mom jokes AND I love accusing everyone around me of being gay.  Especially Moms! Absolutely right up my ally when it comes to one-panelled humor strips.  Love it.  Of course, I was devastated to learn approximately two and a half minutes later that it was NOT on sale as a tee-shirt as I had previously believed.  But still, I loved it enough to go to the source–Natalie Dee’s website.  click here!

#108:  The cartoons of Natalie Dee

I’m tempted to use adjectives like ‘obsessed’ when I describe my feelings about Ms. Dee.   But apparently, Natalie Dee isn’t her real name and the reason that she doesn’t use her real name is because she doesn’t want to encourage stalkers/overly excitable types.   I can appreciate that.  So, I’ll try not to let loose too much here.  I’ll pull back a bit on the normal cyber-stalking that I engage in when prepping for  blogs.  Let’s just appreciate the output, shall we?   Here’s three samples from her archives.  All good.

http://www.nataliedee.com/021409/unthreatening-scorpion.jpg

It's a scorpion with a purse. She's going to town!

http://www.nataliedee.com/051304/dogginaround.jpg

I can relate directly to this one. I especially love the look of hopelessness on her face.

i got yer raisins right here

I actually did buy this on a tee-shirt.

Writing a one-panel strip is hard work, but Natalie Dee is a fricking champion.  Between the ‘i can relate to that’ feeling and the odd miscellany that she captures so perfectly in her simplistic drawings, I’ve been consistently entertained.  I can’t stress how much I love it when things are anthropomorphized.  It just works.

Also, I adore the noseless wide-mouthed faces and the little hands that look like q-tips.

Natalie is married to a humorist as well.  Her husband Drew writes excellent toons called “Toothpaste For Dinner” and “Superpoop”.  Natalie co-writes “Married To The Sea” with him as well.  You can reach ALL of their collective efforts through www.nataliedee.com For merch, click here:  the goods

The bad news in this one-way love affair?  I’m almost done scrolling through the Natalie Dee archives.  The good news is that when I’m done with the cartoons, there WILL be more (she updates daily) and she’s also got blog pages that I’ve barely read yet.  It’s a good, funny, personable blog.  The first entry details Natalie trying to cook an emu egg that she purchased at Whole Foods.  She also runs an advice column from time to time in those pages.

As someone who dreams of chucking in my day job of helping disabled students get support during University (it’s not nearly as exciting as it sounds) to sit around all day in my jammies thinking of funny things to say and occasionally watching daytime tv/playing video games, I really admire this woman.  She has made it work and is living the dream.  I found a good interview with Natalie at venuszine.com  (OK…so I did a little bit of e-stalking…)  Here’s some wise words for those of you out there who reach for that golden ring of creative fulfillment/working from your home as well:

“Making comics is just like taking a crap,” says Dee. “It’s necessary for my well-being, and it is sometimes enjoyable… When I make comics, I don’t analyze them afterwards, like, ‘Is this too dirty?’ or, ‘Is this too cutesy?’ or, ‘Is this too weird?’ or, ‘Is this too messed up?’. I don’t care what people think. I make comics to express myself. You don’t write in your diary with the thought of someone who might break into your bedroom and read it. That defeats the purpose.”

(Full article here:  Venuszine)

OK, that’s all the lovin’ I have time for.  But!…one more to part on:

smell like cereal and look like mountain dew

So true!

P.S. if you’re scrolling through the archives, be sure to pay attention ot the toon titles on the right hand side.  Some are just explanatory but others are pithy.  That’s right, I said pithy.

How come stuff like this isn’t in the newspaper funny pages anymore?

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November 17, 2009

The Hole In My Heart

There’s always truth in comedy.  This is evidenced in The Simpsons.  America’s most captivating fat-dad might be a lazy dumbass but he does show proper reverence for the simpler things in life–perhaps none more so than today’s great thing.  We can all take a lesson from Homer Simpson and rekindle our love affair with the great, the mighty, the hooptacular, the donut.  (Or doughnut)

107.  Donuts

http://voch.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/homer_simpson_2006.png?w=300&h=401

When you're right you're right.

There’s a lot of ground to cover when discussing donuts.  But I think I need to start with some regional differences.  Donuts taste different over here in the UK than they did back home.  I think it’s mostly because they don’t really market my favorite type of donut much over here.  I like heavy cake-y ring donuts.  (Not the puffy airy style ring donuts.)  Do you know what I mean?  There’s definitely a difference.  Please, allow me to show you pictorially.

http://www.ericlee.info/backonabike/donut.jpg

This.......................Versus............

http://robvious.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/donut.jpg?w=350&h=263

.............this.

There.  Does that make sense?  The style up above is seen MUCH more frequently over here.  It’s a rare and beautiful moment to find a good old fried-cake-ring here in Manchester.   Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’ve got nothing against the donut in the first picture.  But, if given the choice, I’m going to go cake donut.  I suppose it’s more of a North Atlantic and Great Lake region of America sort of thing as even the Krispy Kreme franchise of the American South specializes a bit more in the airy and puffy donut on the left.

Donuts have a bit of a convoluted history with a few different folks claiming credit for the hole-in-the-middle-style-fried-cake that we know and love as the ‘donut’.  All sorts of countries CLAIM credit for them.  But, most people agree that this fatty delight, in its current popularized form at least, is undoubtedly American through and through.  Ownership of one of the world’s least healthy food belonging to America?  Who knew….France?  Germany?  You can try to outlard us, but you’ll never win.  Bwahahaha!

Though, I will give credit where credit is due.  I did consume a magnificent beignet in France when I visited Paris.

http://www.thedashow.com/orangefizz/images/donuts.jpg

A real American hero...

Finding the best donut in your town is a noble mission that every citizen of every nation should undertake.   It also gives you an excuse to eat a different donut perhaps every day of the week.  I found a pretty thorough rundown of donut shops in NYC here:  Good Eats

One of my favorite NYC snacking haunts, The Doughnut Plant, gets a mention here.  Whenever I’m in town I make a pilgrimage to the lower east side, where it lives, and get the chocolate blackout donut and the tres leches as well.  I would like to live here…

Whilst on Doughnut Plant’s homepage, I just saw an ad for a new Broadway play called Superior Doughnuts by Tony Letts.  It takes place in a doughnut shop in Chicago.  Doughnuts on sale during intermission!  Mmmmm….high art…..

…….

—

****

???

!

Sorry, I just blanked out there thinking about donuts.

At any rate, it’s true in New York and I think it holds true elsewhere…I find the best donuts aren’t out of the chain outlets but the local American bakeries.  (Nothing against the big chains but I don’t think they always represent the best that we, as fatasses, can produce.)  In Erie, we have Mighty Fine and Jack Frost.  We were mostly a Mighty Fine clan and a visit to the shop after Sunday mass was a family mandate.

http://static.panoramio.com/photos/original/8731672.jpg

Home sweet home...

If I could choose five donuts from Mighty Fine right now (and NO I wouldn’t eat them all at once…I’m not that fat…I’d savor them like Gollum cherishes the ring in Lord of the Rings), I’d choose the following, in order of preference:

5.  A Chocolate frosted cream filled:  Why is this magnificent power-house of a donut number five?  Because I’m getting on in years now and my teeth get a bit sensitive from time to time.  After a few bites, my molars on the right hand side would be singing in pain.  Still, I’d want those few sickly bites.

4.  Plain fried-cake:  Back to basics.  Also, would take the edge off of the #5 pick.

3.  Powdered sugar:  For whatever reason, maybe the fluffy sugar dusting helps preserve them, these donuts always feel the softest and warmest.  Word to the wise, don’t eat this variety too quickly or you risk inhaling the powdered sugar and experiencing a bit of a choking fit.  That would be the worst obituary ever…choked to death on a sugared donut.

2.  Maple glazed:  A bit of tree blood flavoring.  Yum.

1.  Chocolate cake with glaze:  Please note, this is not a chocolate frosted ring.  It’s actually chocolate cake dough.  After frying, it’s glazed.  So beautiful.

I wish I had more time to go on about donuts.  I haven’t even cracked open the issue of donut holes yet.  I mean, how awesome are they?  It’s like you don’t ever have to make up your mind about what donut you want.  Plus, it’s more hygienic than just taking bites out of each donut in the box.

We’ll close where we began.  Enjoy this classic clip from The Simpsons…


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